EDIT: Seems that I won’t be ditching YouTube altogether, after all. I will be uploading my “not so serious” projects, those that won’t suffer substantially if I draw with a camera above my head.

Oh, my Gosh, it is May already? (Actually, not only it is May, it is almost over! Anyways…) I haven’t updated my blog for quite some time. It is spring, we are spending more time outside, work is piling up… and had some major ups and downs lately, artistically speaking.

Because an artist’s mind is something like a roller coaster. If you are an artist… you know what I mean. If you are not, be warned! Artists are the worst people to hang around with. Obsessed, perfectionists, neglecting their basic needs for the sake of their art. But we are happy in our microcosm.

As soon as I had my kids, the scale tipped and the balance broke. I tried to get rid of my artistic self, without success. Eventually, I managed to organize my day so that I can cram art in it. And the real disaster happened afterwards.

I was miserable with my art. I couldn’t surpass my pre-kids’ art, and started feeling anxious, unhappy and depressed at times. Drawing conditions had changed, I had to draw at night, under artificial lighting, not to mention that my studio was in fact … the kitchen table. Each time I made a YouTube video I was on the verge of tears. My art was going nowhere and those videos (having been shot in the dark and on the kitchen table) made me miserable.

And then I realized the problem. Which I knew of course, but didn’t dare say, not even to myself. Shooting videos didn’t allow me to make the best art I possibly can. Because I had to cram in a tiny space to make room for the camera, I had to lean backwards so that my head wasn’t shown on the videos, and I had to deal with the feeling that “someone is watching me”.

So, made the decision to ditch YouTube. And I feel so much better. In my latest drawings, there are already glimpses of my old brilliant (ahem, so humble!) self. And I finally can tell that my art is going somewhere.

Was such a hard decision to make, but under current circumstances it is the only way. Maybe some day I will have a proper studio, so big that I can play football in. Then I might be able to film again. (However, I know I will be missing my kitchen table :))